Hey guys! Sorry I haven’t been around at all the past week—I’ve been so busy living and having fun! I can safely say that this past week has been the absolute best week of my college career. It’s amazing what no classes and pure relaxation and fun will do to you! The week started off with the amazing third eye blind concert, followed by a fun trip to visit Aliza in New Hampshire, a fancy night out with Senior Gala, amazing times hanging out with my friends, and graduation. It’s so surreal that it’s all over now, I’m sort of freaking out about it! I’m having so many mixed emotions that I can’t really deal with it.
Here’s me and my family before dinner:
And with my best friend Aliza and her family after a fancy-schmancy dinner out in Boston:
And graduation. After 4 years of anxiety, tears, struggles, triumphs, laughter and smiles I made it: Magna Cum Laude with a Bachelor of Arts in Economics and a Bachelor of Arts in International Relations. That is definitely an accomplishment to be proud of!
My “little sister” from my sorority even came up to watch me graduate!
I just got home from an 11 hour drive (which I may have slept pretty much 8 hours of! My exhaustion is finally catching up with me because I’m still ready for bed!) and I’m really having a hard time dealing with all my emotions. I’m filled with pride, relief, anxiety, and regret. I don’t know how to handle everything and I’m pretty much just struggling to keep it together and not totally break down. You guys have all been there this year so you’ve seen it all. I’ve finally, finally found my place at school and now it’s over. I’ve made such amazing friendships this past semester, and even more in the past few weeks, and I’m devastated to have to leave them. Never before have I been sad about going home, but now all I want is to go back to school and be with my friends there. While I have a lot of friends that will be in Pittsburgh this summer and next year, they aren’t the people I want to be with anymore. I’ve been texting, calling, and video-chatting my college friends nonstop and I would give anything to have just a little more time with them. I am so full of regret that I didn’t develop these close ties sooner because my time in college would have been so much different.
While sometimes I can be quite eloquent, I know that this post is anything but that. It’s disjointed and probably a little incoherent (which may also be the result of the 2 gin and tonics I’ve needed in order to relax tonight…) but I guess that is an accurate representation of how I feel right now. I just don’t know what’s going on or what I want or how I feel. I’m confused and overwhelmed, and a little lost. For so long my life was on a set path: high school leads to college, one semester flows into another, followed by summer and then a return for another year. But now what? I have a few months off and then I start my job at the end of July. But then what? I work. And work. And work? There isn’t a culmination point, there is no end to work towards. I am such a goal oriented person and it is so scary for me to not have a specific thing to look forward to. I feel a little lost, with no direction, and it’s scary.
It really didn’t hit me until today that I’m actually done with college. I’m done with such a big chapter of my life: my full-time education, that I don’t know how to act. I honestly can’t grasp the fact that I’m not going back to Boston in a few months. I’m here, permanently. While I am moving forward by starting a new career and starting the next phase of my life, I feel stuck. I feel like the past 4 years were for nothing; I’m back in the same place I started. I want to be back at school, I want to be back with my friends there, I don’t need or even really want to be home right now. I’ve never, ever, felt this way before–usually I am counting down the seconds until I can get home and am always so incredibly happy when I’m here but for some reason now it’s the opposite. I just don’t know how to deal with it! I’m not the same person I was before and I’m afraid that being back in the same place, doing the same things, will bring back all the same struggles that I’ve dealt with and overcome this past semester. I’m sort of freaking out. Hmmmmm.
I guess I’ll go to bed and hopefully wake up a little more at ease. I know that I’ll stay in touch with my friends from school, but it’s just not the same. I feel like I took for granted the time that I had with them and now I’m really regretting that I didn’t appreciate and cherish it more. I know that it’s futile to look back at it like that and I should be happy that I am able to finally look back at school in a positive way, so I guess that’s what I’m going to try to do!
I promise I’ll be back soon, I have nothing else to do besides unpack so I won’t go MIA on you guys again!