Figuring it Out

These past few days have been some of the best days of my life. I just posted last week about how I’m so hard on myself and just have no idea who I am. I felt like because I don’t have a 4.0 or don’t run marathons, or build houses in 3rd world countries, or publish research, or preform, or whatever, that there’s nothing to me. But I’m slowly figuring out that I don’t need to excel at something extraordinary all the time; just being me is more than enough. 

I’ve been spending a lot of time with my friends recently and it’s been amazing. For the first time I’m realizing how special the bonds I’ve made here are and how much I am genuinely going to miss the girls I’ve grown so close to in my sorority. It finally dawned on me that people do love and accept me the way that I am, and that people do look up to me. I might not have it all together and I do have my days, weeks, months, that things seem like they’re going anywhere but in the direction I want them to go, but thats okay. I need to stop waiting to live my life until everything is figured out, and I need to start enjoying the journey.

Tonight was “Senior Wills” for the Sorority, where the seniors go up and “will” things away to the chapter and reminisce about their time as a sister. I was scared about writing mine because I didn’t know what to say, but I went up and said what was in my heart and got really emotional in the process. It was by looking back at all the fun times that I did have throughout the years and the amazing friendships that I’ve made along with all the love and support that my sisters have given me through my hardest times here, that made me realize how lucky I am. People see in me what I don’t yet see in myself, but I am starting to. I bawled my eyes out saying goodbye to my best friends and afterward I had so many people, some that I’m not even very close to, approach me and tell me how much I touched them. The whole room was crying when I spoke, it was crazy.

Of course my two Littles warmed my heart by surprising me with a present and lots of hugs, I love them so much and they really have helped make my experience what it is. But there was one girl who really touched me tonight and sort of inspired this revelation. I know that she has not been very happy at school but AOII has really changed a lot for her. I could still see that she wasn’t giving it a complete chance though and was still holding back, just like I did. Tonight I willed her “The ability to give it another chance even though you haven’t loved it so far. Looking back on my 4 years, I regret being so stubborn because if I had just allowed myself to start fresh I think things would have been a lot better. Don’t be scared to let yourself be happy here.”

Then, later tonight I got a very thoughtful message from her, and at the end it said: “you are one of the people that helped make this past semester actually fun and worthwhile here, and made me reexamine things. One of the reason i joined aoii was to get to know you better and that was probably the best choice i’ve made in a long time so i just wanted to say thanks and that believe it or not but what you said (along with a couple of the other seniors) ALMOST brought me to tears which is saying a lot for me. Have a great last few weeks here, and I just wanted to let you know that you are a great person and have impacted way more people than you may think.” 

It made me so happy to read this and it made me cry. It makes me realize that I am important and special and I am worth knowing. People will remember me and miss me. It’s not my weight or my clothes or how fast I can run a mile that people care about–it’s my compassion, and my humor, and my honesty that is actually making a difference in peoples lives. Knowing that I actually did something to help someone live a better life is just so incredible and meaningful to me. I’m just so happy and at peace right now. I’m really starting to believe that everything happens for a reason and all the troubles I’ve had to deal with have made me a stronger person today.