Hard on Myself

This post is going to be full of the good, the bad and the ugly. I’m having a rough day/week for sure. Meh.

Last night was my induction ceremony into Sigma Iota Rho, which is the International Relations Honors Society. This is a huge accomplishment and I should be really proud of myself. For some reason though, I’m not.

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Coming up on graduation I’ve been really hard on myself in terms of my academic achievements. In High School I was the best at everything. I was “the smart girl”, I was Valedictorian, I gave a speech at graduation, everyone knew who I was. But here I just feel so insignificant. Getting into this University was a big accomplishment as it is selective and prestigious. Obviously this means that all the students are highly qualified and intelligent, and I wouldn’t be the best and brightest at everything. This has definitely been hard for me. I’m not the best and I’m not the worst; and while I am definitely close to the top I just feel lost in the crowd. I feel as if nothing I did here was good enough and that I should have just put in a little more effort and worked a little harder to make a name for myself.

I’m also upset because of things that are outside my control. My university raised the Honors requirements starting with my class, meaning that if I had been in the class of 2008, I would have graduated summa cum laude but as a result of the change I am graduating magna cum laude. I know this is still something to be proud of, but I just regret not pushing myself harder and I’m disappointed in myself.

I know that this sounds absurd and I’m whining right now, but I’m just having all sorts of identity-crisis issues, which I suppose is normal with Graduation right around the corner. I just don’t know who I am or who I want to be and I’m feeling pretty lost as a result.

Today was all about putting healthy food into my body since it hasn’t been too happy with me lately. I had no appetite most of the day and forced myself to eat especially since I had a rigorous workout. I had little things here and there rather than big meals, so here’s the deal:

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I’m really bummed because I know that I haven’t been treating my body right recently. It’s hard because my body and my brain just seem to be on entirely different teams right now. My body is screaming at me that when it has to stay up until 3am and wakes up at 7 to get everything done on a pretty regular basis these past few weeks that it needs more fuel and less time at the gym. My brain however, disagrees. When my eyelids are dropping and I’m about to collapse from exhaustion in the afternoon my body is begging me to allow it a nap for a few hours in exchange from its usual workout. But of course I don’t listen.  Is it really any surprise then, that when I go out with my friends to unwind and a few drinks lowers my inhibitions, that my body wants to eat everything in sight? No, it’s not a surprise at all, it’s my own fault. 

It’s hard for me to get my act together and get back on track with my healthy lifestyle without putting myself down in order to do it but I’m going to try to stay positive, forgive myself, and start treating my body right and giving it what it asks for—including some hot chocolate that I’m about to make and a very early bedtime tonight.

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12 Responses to “Hard on Myself”


  1. 1 ksgoodeats Friday, April 24, 2009 at 7:18 pm

    Girlie, I’m so sorry you’re having such a tough time right now! As a type A it can be hard to accept things that are out of our control (i.e. the honors requirements). Be proud of what you have achieved and what you still WILL achieve outside of school! You are destined for great things. Take care of yourself and enjoy the fruits of your labors 🙂

  2. 2 Melissa S. Friday, April 24, 2009 at 7:31 pm

    Ah Sarah, I’m so sorry you’re having such a hard time right now. I def went through the same thing when I was graduating from college, but after I left and started on new things (ie a new job) it made it a lot easier. i was still lost for a bit after that but as soon as I found a job in my field it made me realize that all the things i learned, no matter what title i did or didn’t get, helped me to get to where i am now.

    You are going to do great things after you graduate. International relations is a huge field and have so many wonderful things to offer people our age! It’s going to be great!

  3. 3 verbalriot Friday, April 24, 2009 at 7:38 pm

    I am the same way as you are. I just got into the top liberal arts honors society and I’m not proud. I keep winning awards and I’m just not satisfied.

    Everyone thinks I’m crazy, but I can’t help it. I’m the same way…

    Hang in there girl. You’re not alone ❤

  4. 4 Bec Friday, April 24, 2009 at 8:35 pm

    Wow you should still be pumped about those accomplishments! You’ll get through the next few, weeks it will be tough but once its over you’ll be able to catch up on sleep and relax a bit 🙂

  5. 5 lilveggiepatch Friday, April 24, 2009 at 9:44 pm

    Oh Sarah, blog-twin-that-I’ve-never-met, you’re okay. You’re going graduating and going back to a place you love with people who care about you… your body will get back on a normal schedule (there is NOTHING normal about a student’s day) and everything will work itself out. As always, I’m here for you if you need any little thing.

    P.S. I spy my favorite Whole Foods shrimp spring rolls!

  6. 6 Hangry Pants Saturday, April 25, 2009 at 9:46 am

    Hi Sarah, When I was still in college and law school I felt exactly the same way. I was extrememly hard on myself in terms of grades and school. Only now have I learned that I do not need to prove how smart I am. You are not defined solely by your intelligence and anyone who knows you, knows how bright you are. If you ever want to chat about this more, let me know!

  7. 7 landoffruitsandnuts Saturday, April 25, 2009 at 11:52 pm

    I know it’s hard not to be hard on yourself, but you still did an amazing job at school and I think what you’re feeling is normal now. It’s super hard listening to your body and I know what you mean about them being on two separate pages, but I’ve learned you really have to listen to your body most of the time

  8. 8 landoffruitsandnuts Saturday, April 25, 2009 at 11:54 pm

    It just cut me off- but anyways, I hope things get better soon & I’m sure they will once graduation is over, there will be lots of changes & you will find your way. Have a great rest of your weekend!!

  9. 9 glidingcalm Sunday, April 26, 2009 at 12:18 pm

    You are so smart, and I know you know what to do. Listening to our bodies is always a learning process. Hope your week gets better!

  10. 10 eatingbender Monday, April 27, 2009 at 12:07 am

    The similarities just keep on coming. I am the exact same way. I just was notified that I am invited into the journalism honor society, but then I found out that I will likely just miss the cut for summa cum laude and I got so sad.

    High school definitely felt like more of an opportunity to “shine” and it can be hard to feel significant when the student population has grown so much. But we have to remember that that just makes our triumphs even more unique – not many people even get to graduate magna cum laude, right? Be proud, Sarah. I am VERY proud of you and think you are wonderful!

  11. 11 Danielle Cotter Monday, April 27, 2009 at 12:40 pm

    Hey big, I didn’t realize what a tough time you were going through. When you mentioned this yesterday I should have realized how much it has been weighing on your mind. I wish you could see how much I look up to you and how much a lot of the other girls look up to you because you are one of the classiest, most intelligent, and most driven people that I know. Magna cum laude is still amazing but because you are so used to being the very best of the best, I can imagine how you are feeling. Let me know if you need anything, I can’t wait to see you tomorrow, and I love you!

    Love,
    Danielle

  12. 12 Erin Tuesday, April 28, 2009 at 9:27 pm

    Have you seen your nutritionist lately? Just wonderign.


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