Today started and ended great, but there was a little rocky period in the middle. I did manage to raid Anthropologie with my mom though, which makes any day a success!


I was starving just 2.5 hours after breakfast! Like ready to eat my own arm. Luckily we still have plenty of food leftover from Thanksgiving so it didn’t have to come to that. I had some turkey with ketchup/mustard, raw veggies, and the sweetest red pear that I’ve had in quite a while. 



Gingerbread Latte. I love this flavor! Honestly, the only things that get me through the miserable winter are the great seasonal flavors of foods and drinks that come out. 


I’ve been a bottomless pit all day and snacked on some dried fruit and graham sticks because I knew there was no way I could make it all the way until dinner.



We had a mix of things for dinner tonight, which is my family’s favorite way to eat but honestly makes me really anxious. I feel like it is so hard for me to gauge how much I’m actually eating and when I’m full when I just eat appetizer like foods. I tried really hard to only eat off my plate rather than just grabbing things from the platters, and it worked at first, but I definitely did pick at things at the end of the meal.

I made a delicious Carmelized onion and roasted tomato tart which was made in a pie shell and was the perfect sweet/savory combo. My mom made her famous Baked Brie which is brie, brown sugar, walnuts, and pecans baked in a puff pastry shell. We also had roasted butternut squash, raw peppers, crackers, pita chips, and apples and of course some Chianti wine.


Here’s plate #1


And #2. I had another apple slice or 2, another sliver of baked brie and stuck my fork into the tart a few times as well after this.


After dinner came my ‘setback.’ I don’t know what came over me but I all of a sudden just felt really guilty and sick over dinner and this week. I was doing really well, and haven’t counted calories or measured out anything since I’ve been home and I felt like I was really moving in the right direction. Tonight at dinner though I sort of freaked out. I knew that the brie was a big indulgence and I only had a little bit but I still felt guilty. For anyone who has counted calories as religiously as I have and then stopped, you can relate at how difficult it is, especially to just give it up cold-turkey. I suddenly felt the uncontrollable need to know how many calories I had eaten. It’s not like it would have changed anything, but it just made me feel so anxious not knowing. I had been so strict in the past and the only times that I haven’t measured out every gram and counted every little calorie has been when I totally over-indulge on special occasions, knowing that it’s just one day and that it’s ok to overdo it by a lot. I guess it’s still in my mind that not counting=going overboard and gaining weight. I know that’s irrational, but I’m working on it.

Anyway, I just felt like I needed to know so I tried to start adding things up in my head but there was just absolutely no way that I could figure it out, and I was so conflicted because half of me was trying so hard to just forget it and the other half was spinning numbers around like crazy. It was bad.

I definitely didn’t overeat, in fact not only was I not stuffed, I was actually still a little hungry! I eventually talked myself down, made a cup of tea, and was able to enjoy the rest of my night. I guess it’s all part of the process.


We watched “88 Minutes” starring Al Pacino tonight, and it was really good–very suspenseful and it definitely kept you guessing until the end.

As the night went on I was definitely hungry again and knew I needed to eat something else or I would just be setting myself up for problems later. I had a skinny cow ice cream sandwich drizzled with maple syrup and a little bite of pumpkin cake. I had a few more nibbles of the cake as I was putting it away and felt guilty about it but I’m trying not to. For some reason I think that it’s either be perfect by not eating anything that isn’t on a plate and eaten deliberately while sitting down or having the day be a failure. This isn’t the case. There is a middle ground. Having an extra bite of cake, or grabbing a graham stick or pretzel twist from the bag DOES NOT mean that the day is a failure, or that I am a failure. It’s not about being perfect all the time, something that I really, really need to get into my head. 


And with this epiphany I just went down and grabbed a piece of fudge because it’s delicious, I was craving it, and I enjoyed it immensely. 


Whew, too many emotions for one night. And I have to go back to school tomorrow. Blahhhh. Sorry I’m not more chipper right now : (

I’ll see you guys tomorrow—back in Boston.


11 Responses to “Setbacks”

  1. 1 Sharon Sunday, November 30, 2008 at 12:02 am

    Wow, delicious eats! And red pears? I have actually never seen those before!

  2. 2 carolinebee Sunday, November 30, 2008 at 12:10 am

    That was a great post, and I know how difficult that stuff is to share, especially when it’s all going in your head a million miles a second. It sounds like you are really listening to your rational “voice”, or at least the half of you that says “forget it and enjoy yourself”! 🙂 Good luck and enjoy your night at home!

  3. 3 Erin Sunday, November 30, 2008 at 12:23 am

    I totally understand and experienced the same thing on Thanksgiving, but because I got so nervous I ended up eating too much because of the anxiety. You’re right, it’s very scary. You definitely did the right thing and I’m really proud of you sweetie.

  4. 4 Melissa S. Sunday, November 30, 2008 at 1:48 am

    ah babe, hugs my dear! you are so strong and it’s so great that you were able to fight against those feelings no matter how hard they were! i know how stressful holidays like this can be but i know you’re strong and you can fight against the anxiety our ed’s give us…we’re strong babe!

  5. 5 eatingbender Sunday, November 30, 2008 at 1:49 am

    I really appreciate the fact that you are so open about your feelings, Sarah. I’m glad that you got that fudge 🙂 And I think that talking through your feelings and state of mind definitely helps!!

    The dinner spread looks pretty darn amazing! And I’ve never thought to top the ice cream sandwich with maple syrup – YUM! That sounds so good!

    “See” you in Boston – I hope you have a good trip!

  6. 6 seeleelive Sunday, November 30, 2008 at 8:20 am

    Kudos to you for being aware and listening to your body-and giving yourself that piece of fudge. Giving yourself a treat a day something that you love is normal and completely healthy–what is unhealthy is that idea of perfection we have in our heads–get that outta there! Understand that life should be viewed from the point of a mountaintop–not a microscope. why beat urself up for an extra pretzel or piece of cake? look at ur life as a process, an ongoing journey that will never die. your soul resonates on this earth long after u pass away, you make an impact on those around you no matter what you believe, this helps me becuase instead of turning molehills into mountains (a food related mistake or negative feeling…i.e. gaining a couple LBS or eating too much chocolate one night)is purposeless. why do you beat yourself up over this stuff? make a list tonight and share it with me.

  7. 7 VeggieGirl Sunday, November 30, 2008 at 9:20 am

    Fabulous feast!!

    Sarah, no worries – the setbacks will NOT control who you are, and how far you’ve come. Hang in there, girl!!

  8. 8 jenngirl Sunday, November 30, 2008 at 10:54 am

    I know that feeling exactly. It’s sooo frustrating and scary at the time, but I am very glad that you were able to get through it and move on. I do that sometimes still, wondering what I ate, if I should’ve measured, etc. But we just need to remember that ONE extra inch of meat or piece of rice doesn’t make a significant difference to ONE day. You’re doing great girl, and I hope you have a wonderful Sunday!

  9. 9 ksgoodeats Sunday, November 30, 2008 at 11:47 am

    Raiding anthro is a cure all 🙂 Your mom looks like an AMAZING cook, seriously I’d be all over that dinner!

    Even though you may have felt really anxious and experienced a minor freak out your post shows that you are a strong girl! You know that it’s okay so enjoy an extra bite now and then. You did a great job though, keep your head up 🙂

    Enjoy the remaining time with your family, you’ll be back before you know it! Have a safe trip back to Boston!!

  10. 10 Beadie Sunday, November 30, 2008 at 1:32 pm

    I’m sorry you had such setbacks. I know how you feel, it is so hard sometimes. I haven’t decided which is harder, dieting or not. hang in there, we are all on your side!

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