Surreal

Hey guys! Sorry I haven’t been around at all the past week—I’ve been so busy living and having fun! I can safely say that this past week has been the absolute best week of my college career. It’s amazing what no classes and pure relaxation and fun will do to you! The week started off with the amazing third eye blind concert, followed by a fun trip to visit Aliza in New Hampshire, a fancy night out with Senior Gala, amazing times hanging out with my friends, and graduation. It’s so surreal that it’s all over now, I’m sort of freaking out about it! I’m having so many mixed emotions that I can’t really deal with it.

Here’s me and my family before dinner:

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And with my best friend Aliza and her family after a fancy-schmancy dinner out in Boston:

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And graduation. After 4 years of anxiety, tears, struggles, triumphs, laughter and smiles I made it: Magna Cum Laude with a Bachelor of Arts in Economics and a Bachelor of Arts in International Relations. That is definitely an accomplishment to be proud of!

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My “little sister” from my sorority even came up to watch me graduate!

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I just got home from an 11 hour drive (which I may have slept pretty much 8 hours of! My exhaustion is finally catching up with me because I’m still ready for bed!) and I’m really having a hard time dealing with all my emotions. I’m filled with pride, relief, anxiety, and regret. I don’t know how to handle everything and I’m pretty much just struggling to keep it together and not totally break down. You guys have all been there this year so you’ve seen it all. I’ve finally, finally found my place at school and now it’s over. I’ve made such amazing friendships this past semester, and even more in the past few weeks, and I’m devastated to have to leave them. Never before have I been sad about going home, but now all I want is to go back to school and be with my friends there. While I have a lot of friends that will be in Pittsburgh this summer and next year, they aren’t the people I want to be with anymore. I’ve been texting, calling, and video-chatting my college friends nonstop and I would give anything to have just a little more time with them. I am so full of regret that I didn’t develop these close ties sooner because my time in college would have been so much different. 

While sometimes I can be quite eloquent, I know that this post is anything but that. It’s disjointed and probably a little incoherent (which may also be the result of the 2 gin and tonics I’ve needed in order to relax tonight…) but I guess that is an accurate representation of how I feel right now. I just don’t know what’s going on or what I want or how I feel. I’m confused and overwhelmed, and a little lost. For so long my life was on a set path: high school leads to college, one semester flows into another, followed by summer and then a return for another year. But now what? I have a few months off and then I start my job at the end of July. But then what? I work. And work. And work? There isn’t a culmination point, there is no end to work towards. I am such a goal oriented person and it is so scary for me to not have a specific thing to look forward to. I feel a little lost, with no direction, and it’s scary. 

It really didn’t hit me until today that I’m actually done with college. I’m done with such a big chapter of my life: my full-time education, that I don’t know how to act. I honestly can’t grasp the fact that I’m not going back to Boston in a few months. I’m here, permanently. While I am moving forward by starting a new career and starting the next phase of my life, I feel stuck. I feel like the past 4 years were for nothing; I’m back in the same place I started. I want to be back at school, I want to be back with my friends there, I don’t need or even really want to be home right now. I’ve never, ever, felt this way before–usually I am counting down the seconds until I can get home and am always so incredibly happy when I’m here but for some reason now it’s the opposite. I just don’t know how to deal with it!  I’m not the same person I was before and I’m afraid that being back in the same place, doing the same things, will bring back all the same struggles that I’ve dealt with and overcome this past semester. I’m sort of freaking out. Hmmmmm.

I guess I’ll go to bed and hopefully wake up a little more at ease. I know that I’ll stay in touch with my friends from school, but it’s just not the same. I feel like I took for granted the time that I had with them and now I’m really regretting that I didn’t appreciate and cherish it more. I know that it’s futile to look back at it like that and I should be happy that I am able to finally look back at school in a positive way, so I guess that’s what I’m going to try to do!

I promise I’ll be back soon, I have nothing else to do besides unpack so I won’t go MIA on you guys again!

12 Responses to “Surreal”


  1. 1 Sarah Monday, May 18, 2009 at 10:43 pm

    Oh congratulations, pretty girl! You should be VERY proud of your accomplishments…we have only a glimpse of all that went into it, but I know you really worked hard!

    As for the future, I wish I had something wise to tell you. Even when I was in law school, studying for the bar and working at a firm, every night in bed I wondered, “Is this what I’m supposed to be doing?” And I never really felt a firm, “Yes.” I never could or even would have planned my life right now, but the beauty is, I didn’t have to. And it ended up JUST RIGHT.

    I say for now just enjoy your break until July as much as humanly possible!

    Welcome back, Sarah!

  2. 2 Erin Monday, May 18, 2009 at 11:19 pm

    Oh Sarah I love you so much! SO glad you had a couple gin and tonics so you could open up to your girls :) I loved reading this, even though I know you’re struggling. But…do what you can to live in the moment. It’s okay and good to be uncomfortable with where we’re at in life. Relish in what you’ve done. You’re an amazing, talented person who DESERVES A BREAK. Don’t let yourself get caught in the trap of worrying through your downtime – do what you can to be in the moment and aware of each movement and thought – you know?
    Uh, did you even ask for advice? Ha!
    Anyways, I love you!

  3. 3 Jenn (eating bender) Tuesday, May 19, 2009 at 12:57 am

    You know you’re amazing, right? Just wanted to make sure you knew.

    Your thoughts = my thoughts. I can imagine what you must be feeling like right now because I know I will be feeling the same way in a few weeks. I was actually just thinking today about how weird it’s going to feel next September when I’m “supposed to” be going back to school, but there’s no longer anywhere to go. Your post title is dead on – “surreal” is the perfect way to describe it.

    I guess all I can say is that we both should be proud we made it. You have accomplished so much these past four years and have learned so much about who you are and what makes you happiest. I have no doubt that you will be able to carry that knowledge into the next stage of your life, and even though there aren’t any “end goals” in sight right now, I think you will find that they will unfold when you least expect them to!

    Alright, this comment is gettin’ lengthy! I know we will talk more about this in detail soon ;) CONGRATULATIONS and enjoy every moment at home! I am so proud of you!!!

  4. 4 Bec Tuesday, May 19, 2009 at 1:05 am

    wow congrats on graduating girl! Enjoy the next month off before you start your job :) ps graduating is crazy scary its like uhhh where did those 4 years go?

  5. 5 lilveggiepatch Tuesday, May 19, 2009 at 1:16 am

    CONGRATULATIONS! Rest up and just enjoy life. Looks like you’ve been doing a good job of that already!

    Say hi to Marni and your mom for me :-)

  6. 6 broccolihut Tuesday, May 19, 2009 at 1:18 am

    Congratulations! You certainly do have so much to be proud of!
    To be honest, I am little nervous about my future too–I’ll be a senior next year. I can’t remember a time when I haven’t been a student, so I can definitely understand your feelings of disorientation in this new stage of your life. I know you’ll succeed in whatever you do–best of luck!

  7. 7 Hil Tuesday, May 19, 2009 at 1:25 am

    Congratulations, Sarah. I think graduation is a time of emotional upheaval and confusion for a lot of people. It’s scary and uncertain and frustrating, but life has things in store that you can’t even imagine right now. I’m glad that your last semester was better and that you are able to leave school on a good note. Hang in there!

  8. 8 Andrea Tuesday, May 19, 2009 at 1:42 am

    So proud of you!
    All I can say is that you’ll fumble through this chapter in your life, just like you’ll fumble through the rest of your life! There are so many times in our lives where big changes happen and we don’t know what to do/say/think/feel/etc. Just follow your gut and your heart and you’ll be fine. Not to say that it will be easy, but it will be okay in the end.
    You’re a brilliant girl – I have no doubt that you’ll be okay :)

  9. 9 Jessica (jesslikesithot) Tuesday, May 19, 2009 at 3:28 am

    First of all, congratulations on graduating Sarah!!! That is so, so exciting….and I’m happy that you’re so proud of all your accomplishments! Magna Cum Laude…damn girl! :)

    I think it’s great that you’ve really enjoyed and grown these past few weeks with your friends, but definitely don’t let yourself dwell on what you missed out on. Reflect on all the great times and just get excited for the future ahead!! You don’t have to have everything planned out just yet, relax and enjoy these next few months and then figure out where you wanna go once you start working!! Everything will fall into place!!!

  10. 10 Melissa S. Tuesday, May 19, 2009 at 9:58 am

    congrats on graduating babe! you have worked so hard and steadfast for that diploma and totally (obvi) deserve it! your dedication has paid off and it also will in the future with new jobs and work experience!

    I’m so glad you’ve been having fun the past few weeks and sad to hear that you’ll miss your friends, but just remember that they’ll always be there for you no matter what. You’ll always be able to call on them when you need them the most and will help you through tough times when you need some support. Keep your head held high and things will stay great! everything will work out and you’ll be a super college grad working her way through the world gracefully!

  11. 11 Rachel Tuesday, May 19, 2009 at 11:09 am

    It will get easier, Sarah. Definitely try to focus on nurturing yourself (and allowing yourself to relax) for the next 2 months. You’re going on a cruise and everything!!!!! I can relate to your feelings because I just graduated as well, and I think that the only thing we can do is just hang in there and be open to going along for the ride.

  12. 12 homegirlcaneat Tuesday, May 19, 2009 at 9:31 pm

    Congrats on graduating!! Your majors are insanely cool! I could NEVER do econ..but my brother is a econ major too! You must be just as good at graphs as my brotha :) AND international relations..SO COOL!! Did you study abroad anywhere? I hope you work for the UN or something like that because you must be one smart cookie! :)


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